Friday, April 03, 2009

Still Trying

Of course, I have had no success yet. After the miscarriage my cycles have been so abnormal that we haven't really ended up trying in the right times so it isn't terribly surprising that it hasn't happened yet. So much for being more fertile after a miscarriage. I'm hoping that my cycles go back to normal sometime soon. If I have one more record breaking cycle for length, I just might lose it.

Anyway, this cycle I'm trying to be really relaxed about it. I don't really want to conceive this cycle because my due date would be right around Christmas. I always said I wouldn't try for a Christmas baby, but at this point we don't want to lose another month of trying regardless of the due date.

I've convinced myself that my next pregnancy is going to be another miscarriage anyways. This might just be self-preservation, but I hope I don't have to wait for 6 cycles to go through the next miscarriage.

As of this December, I'm going to stop trying completely. Then I find something else I want to do with my life and move on from this rollercoaster of trying, disappointment, and loss. I think 19 months is enough time to put into something before completely giving up. Now instead of feeling like I'm counting away the months, I'm counting DOWN. It is different, okay. Instead of month #10, we only have 9 more to go.

In the meantime, my friend who started trying at the same time as us gave birth to a baby girl 3 weeks ago. I found out that my cousin is due 5 days after I would have been. She found out yesterday she is having a baby girl. And I found out that our friends who moved their wedding up to April got pregnant while on birth control and are due in September. Of course. Initially I felt like the universe is playing a series of cruel jokes on me, but lately I just feel completely indifferent.

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